Throughout my eating disorder recovery, I have had to remind myself that it is okay to feel lost and broken. At the same time, it is important to recognize that I am not my thoughts or my feelings. I have depth that reaches to my soul, where my love and passion can outshine my ED. My path has been a bit unusual with a late onset and a lack of trauma in my history, but that does not make my pain any less valid nor does that make my journey easy by any means.
One of the hardest things in my recovery has been to consider how this may be affecting my children, especially my daughter. It is difficult to imagine what her adolescence could look like if I am not careful to model a healthy relationship with food as well as my body. Drowning out the diet culture voices and body shaming messages in the media takes a lot of effort. Some days are harder than others. No matter where I go, whether it is work, school, or social gatherings, it seems that someone is always talking about their weight or needing to “make up” for eating a treat or to “earn” a treat.
While I do not fault people for saying these things or thinking them (I have done it many times), they are still triggering for me and it is not a mindset I want my children to have. Food is nourishment for our bodies, both physically and mentally. Yes, we should take care of ourselves and try to eat healthy foods, but if we have dessert, that does not mean we need to “work it off.” Attaching nutrition to our morals or to our worth as a person can be very damaging, not only to ourselves, but to those around us.
I am even noticing things in the wrestling community that have me worried for my son as well. I have heard parents make comments to their children about not eating certain foods so that they can “make weight.” This is such a destructive mindset. I don’t think I will ever understand how forcing yourself to be lighter than you’re meant to be could benefit anyone in sports, particularly if everyone in the sport seems to be doing it. Wouldn’t the weight brackets play out as they should if everyone agreed to take care of themselves and eat well for their size?
Anyway, I digress. I want to continually check my thoughts and words and reflect on them so that my daughter grows up to recognize the beauty and value in EVERY body, especially her own. Her middle name means light and she brings so much light and joy into our lives (see her picture below):
My hope for our beautiful girl (really for both of our children) is this:
1) That she will NEVER apologize for what her body does or does not look like. She was made to look like herself and no one else.
2) That she will own her strength because it makes her unique.
3) That she will find someone who loves her and appreciates her for every aspect of who she is, looks included.
4) That she will build other girls up by telling them things she likes about them that do not have to do with how they look.
5) That she will respect her body and stand up for herself if anyone tries to disrespect it in anyway.
6) That she will seek truth whenever and wherever possible and ask questions and speak up when she recognizes a lie.
These are simply a few of my thoughts about my daughter’s future, but many thoughts and fears have gone through my mind throughout the recovery process. This article was written by another Mom with daughters, and it speaks to how difficult having an eating disorder can be when you are trying to raise children. I do not relate to everything she says, but she makes some good points. Again, these hopes and fears relate to my son as well. Society places unrealistic expectations on all of us in one way or another. The best we can do is love ourselves and each other just as we are.
Redefined Runner 