For the past few years, I have been on a journey of self-discovery by facing my shame and owning and accepting my vulnerability. It began when I started to accept my eating disorder and seek recovery. Given my career choice (school counselor), it feels strange to admit that prior to my eating disorder, I usually preferred to ignore or deny my imperfections, mistakes, or faults. I thought it was okay for others to seek help when a problem became too big to handle on their own, but I was hesitant to seek help for myself. Each class I took in graduate school, my professors encouraged me to experience counseling for myself before becoming a counselor. Logically, this made sense to me. It is always easier to build rapport and show empathy toward someone if you’ve shared a common experience. We all want to feel that we are not alone in this world.
Despite all of this, my stubbornness usually won out when I began to consider seeking help. I would talk to my husband, my Mom, or a close friend, and pray earnestly about my struggles until I pushed through the hard times. For a long time, this worked. Then my world was rocked by overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and loss of control. My husband’s job situation changed yet again and we moved to another community for the 5th time in our 12 years of marriage. Soon after, tiny cracks in the foundation of our marriage became apparent and grew larger as I opened up about my true feelings. I felt like our connection was fading and I didn’t know how to fix it. This was all too much for me to handle and I started to find opportunities to be alone so that I could use my eating disorder to cope. I did not want to tell my husband (or anyone, really) how bad things were.
When I finally broke down, I decided to tell my husband and some close friends. Someone recommended that I read Brene Brown, so I proceeded to read Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection (still need to read Rising Strong and Braving the Wilderness). These books opened my eyes to the damaging cycle of shame and how developing resilience can help us face our fears and embrace our vulnerability. I took small steps toward sharing more of myself with others, starting with my husband and a counselor. Finally, I attended a treatment program with others experiencing an eating disorder and this changed everything. I was able to hear others’ stories and learn that my shame, fear, and sadness were not weird or unwarranted and, in fact, these feelings made perfect sense. It was so liberating to know that I had people to help me overcome my cycle of pleasing and performing to appease my perfectionist demons. I decided when I left treatment that I wanted to share my story with others so that they could see the real me. Not the Shelley who seemed like she had it all together with a good husband, great kids, and a talent for running, but the Shelley who thought all of these things were the reason people liked her or respected her rather than her kindness, compassion, or sense of humor.
After sharing with my friends on Facebook, I have since progressed to sharing more about my story with this blog. I want to inspire people to be who they are and accept their imperfections rather than try to change them or “fix” them. While I sometimes feel like I am a slow learner for taking this long to get here, I know that we all experience a different journey that plays out as it should. If I had not experienced the financial struggles, marital problems, or mental illness that have all been a part of my life, I would not have the truth or the passion in my heart that has allowed me to serve and love others as I do now. I am grateful for the darkness because it helps me appreciate the light. My path may not alway be as bright as the sun, but I always have a light to guide me.
Redefined Runner 