For anyone who uses social media, you know what a blessing and a curse it can be. It allows us to keep in touch with friends and family near and far and to network with people we may not otherwise meet in person. At the same time, it is very easy to play the comparison game. People tend to post pictures of the highlights of their lives rather than the lowlights. When they do post negative things, sometimes it can be overly personal or hurtful vitriol that should be reserved only for one’s own mind. What someone thinks will be a simple comment expressing their opinion on an article or opinion shared by another person can often turn into lengthy debates with hurtful comments or tirades (I’ve been down this rabbit hole before).
For these reasons, many people either don’t use social media, limit their use of it, or take the occasional break from it. I fall into the latter category, and I am probably due for a break soon. Something else that I try to do is to post positive or uplifting things to encourage others or brighten our feeds when things in the world seem to be spiraling out of control. Lastly, I try to be open and honest about my struggles. I do this, not to air my dirty laundry for everyone to see, but with the hope that someone else can benefit from a little truth or encouragement during a difficult time.
As I mentioned before, social media can be a place where we compare ourselves to others. It is not always intentional, but can spring up when we’re feeling particularly vulnerable. When we’ve had a bad day or we’re feeling bad about ourselves for real or perceived failures, it is easy to see all the ways others are better than us (at least I hope I’m not the only one who falls prey to this). I remember learning about this phenomenon in psychology, called confirmation bias. Simply put, it means we are biased toward evidence that will confirm our beliefs or theories, which means we don’t often continue searching for evidence to disprove our beliefs once we’ve found something to confirm them.
In other words, if I think I will never get in shape or start eating healthy even though everyone I know seems to have it under control, I will probably recall all the workout stories or posts from my feed rather than the ones showing someone eating a “bad” food (notice the quotes-food cannot have morality, as it is inanimate). This brings me to the main reason for this post. I am not a paragon of health and fitness. Yes, I run marathons and I love to challenge myself physically, but my relationship with food and exercise have not always been healthy (see my previous posts: Running for Redemption, and The Curse of the Itty Bitty Running Shorts). I have a tendency toward extremes and black and white thinking and I am also a highly sensitive person. I can also be quite anxious. You see how this can be a problem in eating disorder recovery, yes? So, before you judge me (positively or negatively) for being in great shape or seeming to have things together, please consider the bigger picture. My tendency toward perfectionism and wanting to be “good enough” can eat me up sometimes.
For example, last weekend, I had a 16 mile training run to complete on Saturday. On Friday night, I was not feeling it. I was exhausted and it had been a long week. My son has been very defiant and disrespectful lately and it takes a lot of patience and energy to help him learn to make more positive choices. On top of that, our family had just dealt with head lice (ICK) and I had a summer cold. These things were all swirling in my mind as I went to bed early. Despite my consistent efforts and the progress I have made in self-compassion and listening to my body when it needs to rest, I resorted to eating disorder behaviors. Instead of moving on and rising the next day with a better mindset, I replayed my mistake over and over and became more and more anxious for my run. I woke up at 2:00 in the morning and lied awake until 3:30, when I finally woke up and cleaned the kitchen (all while grumbling about my husband not doing it, even though he, too, had a long week and promised he would do it in the morning), brewed some coffee and went for my run while it was still dark outside.
I did exactly what I had been working so hard to avoid. I am starting a new job soon and, while I am extremely happy about it, I am also anxious. Maybe I really don’t deserve it and I will screw it up somehow. Will I be able to reach as many students as I’d like on only a part-time schedule? If not, how will I deal with that? Anyway, you get the point. I may seem ambitious for attaining a high level of fitness, but it comes at a cost. 95% of the time, I think it is worth it. Running is my zen time, my stress relief, my outlet for all the poisonous thoughts in my head. It can also turn into a burden or a tool to harm myself if I am not careful. Recovery from an eating disorder is not easy and it is far from linear. I will continue to fight and I hope that others who are struggling will do the same. Please feel free to reach out to me if you’re looking for support or resources to help you in your fight. In the mean time, I will try to focus my energy on my positive thoughts and not my ED thoughts. As a counselor once told me, we must choose which wolf to feed. She was referencing the parable below:
Redefined Runner 