Earlier this month, an old friend from college died by his own hand. It is the kind of tragedy that is difficult to wrap your mind around and penetrates deep within your soul. He was our teammate on our college cross-country team and, while we had not seen him in a while, the team was like a family during those years, so it was a difficult loss. My husband roomed with him his sophomore year and I remember him as an easy-going, funny guy, smiling and laughing often. He was intelligent, athletic, and from what I understand, a wonderful husband and father. These things are never easy to understand and we are always left with more questions than answers.
Depression and mental health are topics discussed far more often than decades past, but there is still room to grow. It seems as though men struggle in silence more often than women due to our culture’s focus on masculinity and being “strong.” This idea is so damaging. Strength is not trying to do it all on our own; Strength is being willing to admit that we need help. I have been in that place. For several years, I have lived with depression that has been overwhelming at times. It can be difficult for people on the outside to see someone with “everything” (good job, health, a loving family) not feeling like life is worth the struggle. That’s the danger with depression. It defies logic and it does not discriminate. The pain can be so unbearable and the demons so loud that we truly feel the people around us would be better off without us. Sure, we recognize that we are loved, but we feel that once the grief subsides, people will realize that a weight has been lifted.
I can look back on that time now and see that those are lies and be glad I kept fighting, but some people succumb to this awful condition. The darkness is too much. My heart aches for those who cannot see past their pain to what lies ahead. I wrote this poem to honor our friend. Below the poem are links to resources if you’re struggling. Please do not try to do this alone. You are enough. You are worth it. You are loved.
REBIRTH
The darkness looms and begins to cloud the sky. A pain so deep it is too late to ask why.
Beneath this fog there is truth and hope. Look above and reach for the rope.
Waves keep coming with no room for air. You feel like you’re drowning in a sea of despair.
Demons below call out to you, whispering lies in your ear. Look up to the light and let love dry your tears.
This love will surround you and put wind in your sails. You can make it through the storm if you look to the shore.
Please believe that you were made for so much more.
Redefined Runner 