Keep Your Distance

 I have always felt that everything happens for a reason, even if we may never know the reason. We are all here for a purpose, both individually and collectively. I believe our purpose is to recognize our need for connection and to use our unique gifts to seek connection for ourselves and encourage connection in others. 

Problems come when we lose our connection or we aren’t nourishing our connection. Feeling disconnected can cause us to lose sight of the bigger picture and feel like life has no purpose. Day-to-day life can be overwhelming, whether it is due to grief, trauma, hardship, or a stagnant routine. We all handle these issues differently, there are many ways to cope with stress. Introverts might be more likely to go inward and look within themselves for answers, to quietly reflect on what’s gone wrong or what could be better. Extroverts may seek advice or input from a best friend or close family member, or perhaps even a professional if the situation calls for it.

Sometimes, when times get really tough and we are pushed to our limit, we may decide to isolate ourselves or use unhealthy coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, exercise) to numb our feelings or avoid the pain. These things can work for a while, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem because the issue doesn’t go away on it’s own and now you have developed a dependence on that coping mechanism. Relationships become strained, maybe even broken. This causes further disconnection, leading to more pain.

Right now, we have a worldwide crisis going on with the COVID-19 pandemic. There is a heartbreaking, mind-blowing amount of suffering going on throughout the globe. The pain is almost palpable, visible in the body posture and faces of those around us, especially those on the front lines, treating patients, watching people die, and holding their hands while they say goodbye to loved ones. Complicating things even more than those who are sick or grieving, is the number of people who are feeling lonely and isolated right now.

We tend to think of the elderly or single people when we think of loneliness and isolation, but there are many types of isolation, not just physical isolation. As this article mentions (and I’m sure some of you know from experience), a person can still feel lonely, even when they’re regularly around other people. In my opinion, this is the worst kind of loneliness because we can convince ourselves that something is wrong with us if we’re rarely alone, but still feel alone.

Lock-downs and quarantines are putting an immense strain on our culture and we need to be mindful of how we’re responding to it. I, for one, have felt like a fish out of water. I have always been a people person, an extrovert to the very core. My Mom likes telling me that I used to come up with reasons to call her at work or on her bowling nights if I was home alone during the summer or on a school night (my Dad worked nights). Even now, I prefer to go to a library or coffee shop to study or work rather than in a room by myself. Even if I am not talking to someone (which I will undoubtedly try to find a reason to do anyway) while I work, I like to be in the presence of others. It is comforting to me. I have been trying things like Zoom meetings, though I am not great with technology and can be easily distracted. I have even been trying to write letters or cards or send packages to loved ones because it’s not something I typically take the time to do when life is busier.

While these things are nice and are keeping me afloat, it feels a bit like the light inside of me has dimmed. Since our family has moved several times in the last 10 years, I have often felt lonely, seeking ways to find new connections. In fact, we just moved to our current town about 8 months before the Safer-at-Home order began. I feel like any efforts we had been making to establish routines and connections has been upended. It’s very discouraging. I know this won’t last forever, but it stings.

On top of that, I am home every day with my children, trying to help them through this while muddling through distance learning. I love them dearly and feel grateful for the extra time with them, but it has been challenging. Being with the people closest to us for long periods of time can bring about communication issues and pet peeves we had overlooked or not paid attention to before. I see my own faults reflected back to me in the smaller, softer faces of my children. It’s not fun, especially when I have no opportunities for chatting face-to-face with other Moms about what we’re experiencing.

Despite it all, though, I have been encouraged by the amount of love and kindness shown by total strangers. The number of uplifting stories and creative ways people are caring for others or innovating ways to help alleviate the suffering of others has brought glimmers of hope to some dark days. While I may not have the (existential) answer to why this is happening, I believe some positive changes will come from it if we continue looking out for each other and slowing down more than we did before this all began. The number of parties and hug-a-thons that take place should be a good start.

For ideas on how to get through this tough time, check out this article and other resources on Greater Good Magazine’s website.