A Softer Side

It’s been nearly one year since I’ve published anything for this blog. There have certainly been times I have had ideas or thoughts, but nothing that ever seemed to crystallize into something I thought would be worth sharing. 2022 has been an interesting year. I ended a part-time job in August of 2021, wanting to focus solely on professional development and volunteer work in order to find an opportunity to get back into the school counseling field. I completed a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Specialist Certificate and began looking for a job in a school. Having been out of the field for two years, it was quite challenging.

Despite my lack of luck in the school counseling field, I continued volunteering as a Case Manager at a wonderful organization called New Day Women’s Clinic . It is a pregnancy help organization that offers free and confidential wraparound services to those facing unplanned pregnancies. While serving as a Case Manager there, I was able to meet with women and couples to connect them with resources related to housing, food, clothing, and transportation. I and the other staff and volunteers would also support clients Spiritually if they were looking for that. Though I had worked in Case Management roles before, working with women who were pregnant or had recently given birth was a new experience for me. As a mother myself, I could definitely relate to these women in some ways, but I was also reminded time and again how fortunate I have been in my life. I do not say this to boast, but to say that this past year has really been a growing experience. First, I have learned to have more compassion for those in difficult circumstances. Not to say I didn’t have compassion before, but I feel that the more people I meet, the more I realize we are all broken in some way and for some people, figuring out how to heal can feel insurmountable. That’s difficult to witness and I thank God that He is my hope and my strength. I take comfort in being able to offer this wonderful truth to others, but I also recognize that this won’t be the answer for everyone. I think this might be one of the reasons it’s been hard for me to find a path back to school counseling.

While I love working in schools and have met some amazing children and wonderful staff through those roles, there were times I found it hard to “fit in.” With my Faith being so important to me, it was difficult to feel that, at times, I had to hide it or not discuss it. I’m not saying I ever felt shunned for my Faith or that there weren’t other Believers at those jobs, but sometimes knowing that I could not offer the hope of Jesus as a coping skill for my students (unless they brought it up first) weighed heavily on me. It just felt disingenuous to me. Not because I wasn’t intelligent enough or skilled enough to offer other ways to cope, but because I wasn’t offering the best option (yes, in my opinion). Working for Camp Timber-lee and volunteering at New Day gave me opportunities to work in a Christian environment, where I felt safe to be myself and could ask for prayer or offer prayer without hesitation. To me, that is an amazing gift. I loved working and volunteering at both places, but after a while, I still felt like a ship with no rudder. I’ve been stuck on this crazy, meandering career path for many years and I keep wondering, “Where do I belong?” “What is my true calling?”

Wouldn’t it be great if this was the part in my post where I say, “Now I know! By George, I think I’ve got it!” Sorry, I still don’t have the answer. I get frustrated at how many jobs I’ve had and how incompetent that makes me feel at times, but then my wise and adoring husband will remind me that I have made an impact on someone (hopefully several someones) at each place I have been. The more places I go, the more people I meet. That’s not insignificant. I have been facing some difficult possibilities in my mind of why I’m not settled in my career at this point, but I am working on acceptance of this fact. As a Christian woman, I need to be rooted in an identity that is based on how He seems me, not how others see me or, the bigger problem, how I see myself. God loves me despite my scattered mind and my awkward sense of humor.

For most of my life, I have known this wonderful truth. And yet, I have been so hard on myself. I have been a perfectionist, a people pleaser, a Type-A go-getter with no patience for pesky obstacles in my path. I have beaten myself up over the smallest things, made myself sick (literally, thank you Eating Disorder) trying to feel worthy, and none of it has made me happy or successful. So, here I am, 42 years old and I think I might finally be getting there. I’m learning that I don’t need to hide or feel ashamed of my softer side. I feel ALL the feelings all the time and I cry easily. Big deal. I love cookies and sweet things and it’s getting harder to maintain my normal “athletic” build. That’s okay too. This world is a hard, dark place sometimes. I don’t need to make it harder on myself and I certainly don’t want to make it harder on others.

As I prepared to write this, I searched the term, “becoming softer,” thinking of it in terms of being more gentle with myself and others, of leaning into my sensitive nature. Well, do you know what showed up from that search? Words like, “depress, depreciate, downgrade, worsen.” I’m sorry, that’s just messed up. Sure, you can say it’s just semantics and I’m being silly, but I stand by my opinion. Softness is nice. Think about it, does anyone get sad or mad when they think of kittens, puppies, pillows, marshmallows, or clouds? Probably not! Then I thought of hard things, like rocks, metal….and hearts. Those things don’t bring me comfort. The dictionary gives this definition for hard-hearted: incapable of being moved to pity or tenderness; unfeeling. Well, no thank you. We could all stand to be a little softer. Does this mean we don’t stand firm or remain committed to our values or to achieving our goals? No. It just means we open our hearts to the world around us, seeking to be a source of love and light, not hardness or darkness. I would like to leave you with two things: a scripture verse, and a poem from Butterflies Rising. Her poetry is pretty amazing, you should check her out!

16 From Him the whole body, fitted and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love through the work of each individual part. 17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding and alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardness of their hearts.…

Ephesians 4:16-18