Crossing Borders

Nearly two months ago, I returned from a 10 day mission trip to Russia. We had about 1.5 days of travel to get to the Leningrad Region of Russia, 6 days of serving orphans and orphan graduates, then 1.5 days of sight-seeing before another full day of travel to get back home. This trip helped me grow in many ways. First, I had not flown internationally since I was a teenager traveling to England to run with the World Sports Exchange program. Applying for a Passport, a Visa, and going through Customs were new to me, as I had no memory of these steps since other people took care of those things for me the last time. Second, I was nervous about going on a mission trip because the trip required a great deal of fundraising and preparation. Furthermore, I have always thought of “other people” being the type to go on mission trips, not me. I tend to be a person who is more comfortable doing things that are physically challenging rather than emotionally or spiritually challenging. Lastly, I have never been away from my husband and children for more than a long weekend. Ten days is a long time, especially when you don’t always have access to WiFi.

Thankfully, I was not alone on this trip. There were 7 other women from my church serving with the others 13 team members from Orphan Outreach. While I did not know any of them well, it was reassuring to have familiar faces from my church family. These women are all wonderful examples of Christ’s Love and it was a pleasure to see their various personalities and gifts coming through in our interactions with the children. The first place we visited was an orphanage in a rural area about four hours from St. Petersburg. We spent Sunday-Tuesday there. They were having renovations done at the time, so the children were not currently staying there and would ride the bus each day to spend time with us. Here was our typical schedule:

9:00 A.M.- Breakfast

10:00- Children arrived

12:45- Children left for lunch

2:00-Children returned

6:30 Children left for the evening

The time was filled with many activities, like playing soccer, volleyball, four square, slam ball, making bracelets, face painting, and fingernail painting. An obstacle course and some three or five-legged races also happened, as well as plenty of laughter. We did two Bible lessons while we were there and also incorporated God’s love into some of the arts and crafts projects. Evangelism is illegal in Russia, so we had to be careful with how we acted when we were not in the orphanage or when we visited the summer camps the orphans were staying at (other families and children could stay there as well). The children were eager to hear about Jesus, however, as well as give plenty of hugs and high fives. Some of the older boys even shared a few modern Russian dances with us, which was neat to see.

The food at the orphanage made me very grateful to live in the U.S.A, however. Most meals involved a meat and a grain and not many fresh fruits and vegetables. This is a challenging situation for someone who is Vegetarian and also has a history of an Eating Disorder. We were still, of course, appreciative of the Cook accommodating us and making meals for our large group. I spent time reading my Bible and the devotional provided to us each day and we had nightly worship time with the team, which was very nourishing. It was important to share our experiences and be encouraged by one another. I had to combat the lies going on in my head because I felt inadequate compared to other team members. I am not someone who likes to sit and do crafts, so I had fewer opportunities to have conversations with the children than those who were more inclined toward those activities. The language barrier was a challenge for most of us, though, since we only had 5 interpreters for our group of 21. They were very kind and did excellent work, but obviously could not be everywhere all the time.

This meant that we had to communicate non-verbally or using Google Translate (if someone had a phone with data). It is surprising, though, how much can be communicated through facial expressions and gestures. Myself and a few other women played with an adorable little girl who led us through her own version of Simon Says and would put us in “Time Out” when we didn’t do what she wanted us to do (usually because we couldn’t understand her). Have no fear, though, she usually let us come back to the game after a short time. Let me tell you, that girl is going places. She knows what she wants and she’s not afraid to tell you about it!

In all seriousness, this trip helped me realize that we all deal with far more than just the physical borders we encounter when traveling between countries or across oceans. Most of us have borders of one form or another in our minds and in our hearts. Perhaps we close ourselves off to intimacy in our relationships because we have been hurt before or we think that no one could really love us if they discover all of our imperfections. Maybe we can open ourselves up emotionally to others, but we are reserved in our goals. Life has not been kind to us or people scoff at our dreams or tear us down when we share what is in our hearts.

I think it can be especially hard for women to be fully honest with ourselves about our goals because we have been socialized to believe that our job is to be the caregivers, the heart of the home. While I do not disagree on the importance of mothers in the lives of their children, it bothers me how often people seem to think that one cannot have a satisfying career and be a good mother. I’m sure some of you would tell me this is an outdated opinion and no one really thinks that anymore, but I think it depends on who you know and where you spend your time. Unfortunately, while the church can be a loving and supportive family to lift you up in your time of need, I have found that it can also be a place where one’s decisions about education and career can be questioned when they don’t fit in with the common choices of the church family. Many churches I have belonged to have a substantial number of Stay-at-Home Mothers and Homeschooling Mothers. I am so happy for people who are able to make this choice for their families and whose children thrive and flourish in this environment. I do not believe, however, that I am doing my children a disservice by making different choices.

My children thrive when I am thriving and, for me, that means working outside the home and exposing my kids to children from a variety of backgrounds in a public school setting. I have been a Stay-at-Home Mom, a Work-from-Home Mom, a Full-time Working Mom, a Part-time Working Mom, and they’re all difficult. Parenthood is hard no matter how you slice it. Judgement from others never makes it easier. I think it is important to reflect upon the choices we make for ourselves and to evaluate whether we are making them because we truly believe they’re the best thing for us and our families or whether we believe it is what we’re “supposed” to do. I am nearly forty years old and I have no desire to keep the walls in my mind standing. I want to tear them down and open myself up to the world of possibilities that are out there when I trust God and I use the gifts he has given me. He made me for connection and he made me to help others. I am done letting myself believe I am not good enough to do the things my heart is calling me to do. God made me strong and courageous, even when I don’t always feel that way. Get out there and chase your dreams, people. Life is too short to put up walls and stay in your comfort zone.