The Real Deal

Did anyone else grow up with a Mother who seemed to know a laundry list of idioms or phrases to apply to just about any life situation? There were times I would roll my eyes when she did this because I was a sassy teenager, but I am pretty sure I have turned into that Mom. I like to talk, so I might as well use different ways of saying things to keep things interesting, right?

One phrase you won’t hear me saying (at least not anymore, I’m sure I’ve used it before) is, “Fake it ’til you make it.” I have never really liked the saying for a couple reasons. First, I suppose I could be off base (see what I did there?) in my interpretation of the meaning, but I take it to mean that everything will eventually be fine if you just act like it’s fine. From the standpoint of thinking positively, this makes sense. Our brains are pretty darn amazing and they can and do change in response to our environment (check out this article to read more about the concept of neuroplasticity).

Since our brains are able to change if we are willing to do the work, we can focus on thinking positively rather than negatively and achieve a greater sense of well-being if we are intentional about this practice. With time, thinking positively becomes more natural. There is actually a counseling technique called Acting As If that is based on this idea. Just because you’re terrified of speaking in public, doesn’t mean you can’t get out there and rock your next presentation or speaking engagement.

There are certainly times, of course, where it is important to act contrary to what we’re actually feeling (I think that much of parenthood requires us to do this), but the problem I have with “faking it” is that I strive to be a genuine and sincere person. If I don’t like doing something or I am not good at something, I will not pretend, I will be honest. In fact, I can be open and honest to a fault. I feel things deeply and I tend to let people know what I’m feeling, which can be a bit too intense for some people. I have lost friendships with people I greatly admire because I was honest about how I was feeling and what I wanted from the relationship and it backfired. These events hurt me greatly, but I don’t think I would change anything (except maybe to be a little more kind). I think the people who are supposed to be in our lives will stay in our lives as long as they’re supposed to be in our lives. If the relationship has met its purpose and it is no longer a mutually beneficial relationship, then it will end. It can feel like daggers in your heart, but it is part of life. We must choose to focus on the people who are still in our lives.

But, I digress. I believe rather than “Faking it until we make it,” we should be open and honest about our struggles and our faults because it makes it easier for others to do the same (this guy puts it quite well in his blog). Pretending things are fine when they aren’t might work in the short-term, but it is not a good M.O. for living a full and meaningful life. Before long, you will need someone’s help or someone close to you will need help. If you can ask for help and not be afraid to tell others what a difference it has made for you, it could save someone a great deal of suffering. We all need to be in this together if we’re going to survive this crazy thing called life.

Life is hard, no matter who you are or how privileged you are, which brings me to my second reason for not liking the phrase “fake it ’til you make it.” Sometimes pretending things are fine only makes things worse. If we try to pretend we’re fine when we’re not, people’s expectations of us won’t change and we may only frustrate or disappoint those we love. This is not to say people should be coddled when they’re going through a hard time, but I think we should give grace to those who are suffering and believe they are doing their best because they probably are.

This becomes especially true when we are in the midst of a season of waiting. We might be waiting for a soul-mate, a child, a job, a house, or a dream to come to fruition. Sometimes the things we long for take a lot of time and effort and that timeline is different for everyone. It can be hard to stay positive, especially when it feels like achievements come easily for those around us. Yes, it is good to keep the faith and believe you will succeed, but the longer and darker the tunnel, the harder it becomes. It can be a difficult, quiet struggle because it feels like we are focusing on the wrong things or bringing others down. You know what, though? Those quiet whispers of longing will only grow louder if you push them away or ignore them. Speak them out loud. Ask for help. Don’t pretend you know what you’re doing and expect it to get you closer to your dreams. If it does, will you be happy with the result? I think a hard-fought, true victory feels better than any false prize or fake accolades.

I know this because when I was in the depths of my eating disorder, I was receiving a lot of praise for how I looked and how well I was running. It felt good and, for a while, I didn’t want that feeling to end. Then things fell apart and I could barely keep myself together. I wasn’t acting like the person I wanted to be and my relationships with the people I loved were suffering because of it.  I decided to seek help and I felt a tug on my heart to be open about my treatment and what I was going through. The freedom I felt when I finally wrote that first social media post and later my first blog post is difficult to put into words. It was like I  had taken off a mask and the face underneath really was beautiful, even with its flaws. I could appreciate who I was because I didn’t feel like I was trying to be perfect anymore.

While I certainly cannot know exactly how anyone else feels, I can relate to lingering dreams and unmet aspirations. My illness got in the way of pursuing my dreams and, while I have been blessed with good substitute jobs and my current job is low stress, I still feel like God has other plans for me. I am not sure when I will find “my calling” or where I will be working when that happens, but you better believe I will shout it from the rooftops. So I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t forget to check on the people in your life from time to time, even the ones who “seem fine.” While most of the pieces of the puzzle are there, it is still incomplete. We were not made to be incomplete, we were made to be whole.